Welcome to “Redneck Lena, Unfiltered and Unsensored”…the Blog

Here I go, the start of my first blog post! I am excited, nervous and totally out of my element! Please be patient with me as I venture into new territory! It is my goal to introduce you into a world that is a bit Redneck, a bit Scandinavian and a whole lot of attitude! I promise and warn you that it will be unscripted, unpredicatable, uncensored and hopefully unforgettable as I share life happenings as they come straight out of my head, unfiltered and undeniably Redneck Lena style!  Grammar, punctuation, spelling (is compliment of auto correct) and lacking proper edicate (is when you’re not edumacated enough to spell etiquette)!

And so the birth of Redneck Lena…..😜😳

Lets dive right in

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Redneck Lena;

“Under medicated”
Going to the Dr is so stressful for a lot of people. I’m usually not stressed, but when I had recent appointment for a yearly physical I wasn’t feeling any stress!

I showered and prepped (shaved and lotions), and made sure my panties were new. I like to say panties because that just sounds tiny, delicate and so much sweeter than big old lady bloomers. Being realistic, my “panties” could actually be classified as a monkey swing!

I arrive at my appointment and choose my seat in the lobby! I look around and people watch, thinking in my head what they are at the clinic for. I’m pretty sure I get at least two of my guesses correct, Prenatal visits, I’m smart like that plus the fact that they look very pregnant! I’m guessing the little guy with the moving green slime coming out of his nose is here because of a sinus infection, his sister has a cough that sounds like nails on a chalkboard! I’m guessing they both get an antibiotic and anyone else who lives in their house may as well be on it too! Across the way in the corner is a young couple with a couple toddlers and a small baby, the Dad looks pale and nervous, the kids look healthy, Mom every once in a while leans into Dad saying something and smiling sweetly, Dad sits there all stiff! I’m guessing somebody is going to be getting a vasectomy! When his name is called I’m sure I’m right! I don’t feel one bit bad for him because Mom went through three pregnancies and deliveries, it’s his turn to step up to the plate or should I say “chopping block”! I only wish Mom could be there with camera in hand saying “practice your breathing, your doing great, sounds like this is going to take awhile, do you mind if I watch some HGTV”?

All fun and games aside, my turn is up and this very tiny, cute and young nurse comes to the lobby and says “Lena”, I stand and smile and follow her. Walking behind her I can’t help but notice how tiny she is and in perfect shape, I also notice I am three times the size of this tiny little thing, heck if my jeans weren’t so tight she could fit in my pocket!

We stop at the scale, suspense builds, and wallah “we have a winner”, lights and bells ring, confetti comes from the ceiling, all the other clinic staff come to congratulate her because she had the heaviest patient of the day! Yay!!

Now tiny nurse brings me to a cold room at the end of the hall, takes my blood pressure, pulse, respirations and asks a few questions about why I am here, I simply say “yearly physical”! She stands up, walks over to a cabinet pulls out what looks like a stripped out pistol, a couple big q-tips, some who-haw cream, and then turns to me and says “ok, you need everything off, you can use this to cover up with (as she hands me a paperish thing) and before going out the door she tells me I can sit up on the exam table when I’m done as She walks to the door, turns and smiles as she says, ever so gently and dainty “the Dr will be in shortly”! Ok “thank you” I say! Thank you for what? weighing me and now telling me to get naked! Ugh!

I undress, climb up on the table and try to open the “sheet” she gave me! It opens once! Ok so she just weighed my sorry ass and This is the size I get? Don’t they have plus sizes? So now I sit naked on a table in a cold room wondering what do I cover? The left boob? The right boob, the left or the right cheek? Or place it in my lap as though I’m about to be served supper?!?!

Oh this wait seems to be taking forever! I’m cold and now I have to toot! Here again, I say toot because it sounds so dainty, I could call it a fluff but then it sounds like I’m going to crop dust someone. I’ll stick to a toot. Now If the Boss (Aka Hubby) lets one loose, I immediately say “oh my god you shit your pants, ish you pig, go do that somewhere else”! I have to say in his defense, mine don’t always slip through with very little rumble, even if they come out like a big explosion and a automatic gun going off, I say, “oops I tooted”!

I have a bit of a dilemma now, do I sneak it out and hope it doesn’t make a lot of noise or smell when he comes in? Or do I hold it in and hope he doesn’t do the rectal exam and I shoot his finger out like a canon going off? I have already sat a bit long so I take my chances and hold it!

Finally the Dr comes in and shakes my hand! He looks over my chart and says very gently, your weight is a little high? Should I act surprised, and say…..” Normally I’m not that big but I fluffed up for the visit because I knew it would be cold in here and I’d need extra insulation”? He then looks in my eyes and ears and says “good”, he then listens to my heart and lungs and again says “good”, oh boy stirrup time! So I gittyup and slip myself in the assumed position! He finishes my exam down south but doesn’t not say “good”, the nurse has a look on her face, I’m not sure if it’s a look of “ouch,pour lady”, or “yikes that sheet is really small, we definitely need some bigger ones”, or “wow that’s just not very pretty”,or the dreaded look of somethings smells fishy!! Maybe it’s just the look of “poor women, nobody likes these and I don’t like being in here either”! Hopefully the latter!

The Dr then tells me to get dressed and he’ll be back. I dress so fast fearing he comes back in quickly! Really, why do I care, he just saw me up close and personal! Minutes later he comes back in and we complete the visit!

I went in feeling healthy and happy, I leave obese, depressed and full of anxiety! Pamphlets and referrals in hand, I will now have to to pay for this fun little outing! $$$ cha-Ching, depressing!!!

I get in my car and drive to the pharmacy to get my anxiety medication (after the last hour in the clinic I now have anxiety issues)! I need to get home and read my pamphlets on how to avoid stress, and how to loose weight! I also need to make appointments to call a dietitian and a phycologist! Cha-Ching, I think this is a gimmick? They are all working together I tell you! It’s out of my pocket and into theirs! What would have happened had I gone in unhealthy? I’d have to stop at the bank for a loan or a law office to file bankruptcy! It’s a gimmick I tell you! Yah you betcha!

Until next time den, see use all later den!